I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure