If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.