Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
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Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]