gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
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[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.