If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”