Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
You Might Also Like
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Lmao
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall