Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
having children is a pyramid scheme.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
moms in horror movies
Not helping
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
This meal prepping shit easy