If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
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“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.