Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?