DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.