no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”