Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.