Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
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“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras