[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
⛄️
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I have never related to a cat more