i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Spring cleaning checklist…
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.