I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
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I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.