Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.