“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
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PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?