Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Don’t make me out nice you.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond