Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
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God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?