Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me recordaron éste meme
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Des Moines Police having a normal one
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.