wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
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Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Phonetics
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.