Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Always a metermaid never a meter
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself