I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
You Might Also Like
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
he chose this
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.