A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
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I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
i think we should see other cousins
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.