the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator