If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.