Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
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100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.