Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
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DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Just as the prophecy foretold
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Every haunted house movie:
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I am crying
The asteroid..
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika