*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
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if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Husband of the year 😂
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta