Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?