Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.