JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
never compromise your values
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.