Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
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I didn’t realize that was an option
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Do not steal food from the science building!
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.