It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
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What kind of a cult is this?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I think about this a lot
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..