me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you