– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
#MeanwhileinCanada
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already