I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
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I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew