Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you