No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
when u come home smelling like another dog
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.