I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
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The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
🚲+physics = winner
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
The two types of wives
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.