[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal