I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.