I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!