[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]