If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off