I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.