me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before