Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
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[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Erm…
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her