“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Any refunds available?…
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others